I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
