She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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