he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
