If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
