i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
