everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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