plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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