How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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