I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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