Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
