The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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