I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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