My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I did not marry a roomba.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
