Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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