o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
