Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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