Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
