I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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