I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
