All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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