The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
well you can't waste a boner
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
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i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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