I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
