i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
