His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
