just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
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Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
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Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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