On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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