and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
