dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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