Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
