I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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