how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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