I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Someone signed my nipple.
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