Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
