Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
