Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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