Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
