Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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