Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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