so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
