Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
