There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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