guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
