Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
