I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
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