I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
