you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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