I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
