In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
