I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
