meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
