I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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