so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
