my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
