I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
